It's been a about a year since I last posted and I feel in that year I've seen a lot of amazing and remarkable things. It's about time I start writing about it all again.
Today I had the great pleasure of watching one of the world's top otolaryngologists for a morning of appointments. I shadowed him for 6 hours and was able to see some pretty amazing things. Everything from people who had been failed by the "system", people who were looking for someone to blame for anything, people who were downtown on 9/11 and were still suffering aftermath, and then my most memorable people who survived different bouts of cancer. It became alarming to me how MANY people have lived with, are living with, or dying with cancer. It's become such a commonality that we almost don't realize. The desensitisation that comes with seeing it and hearing about it day in and out is appalling.
I loved watching these particular patients attitude towards their treatment. We're talking about rehabilitation of the vocal folds which are not fundamental to survival but they are fundamental to life. The trauma of radiation, chemo, being intubated and of course surgery is pretty detrimental towards the function of the vocal folds. Each of the patients attacked their recovery from these disorders with as much fervor as they did their cancer. To not be able to speak was not an option. To have limited speech was not an option. For several it was because they give speeches outside of work to tell their story and inspire and talk to others. Fundamentally though these people did not want to have won their battle against cancer and then lose their ability to communicate with those they love.
When one patient was asked how aggressively she wanted to proceed, her answer was a simple one. Let's go at this as hard as we can. I need my voice back. Let's do the surgery. I'm simply happy to be alive.
I found today to just be so fascinating and enlightening. There are millions of people out there with millions of stories. We've known that since we were young. Being allowed a glimpse into a dozen stranger's worlds today was a great gift. I'm left reeling and thinking about what's to come for them and where they've been. We live in the society which makes me accustomed to and sad that I'm not able to be a voyeur on these supremely interesting people. I wish I could see how their story unfolds. For now I just feel lucky to have been allowed to peek in and get a glimpse of a dozen strangers living their real lives. Not the lives we put on display for others to see. The behind the door, real deal, no baloney real life. And it feels refreshing.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I blame it all on the pop ballad.
I blame it all on the pop ballad.
The other day I was walking home carrying groceries while listening to my ipod. Given the bags in my arms I couldn't change the song when "Have you Ever" by Brandi(circa 1997) came on. I was struck by the words and nostalgically was immediately brought back to high school years. I remember hearing that same song when I was 15 and thinking I knew exactly what Brandi was preaching about. As a 25 year old woman who's never been in love, I was struck with the sudden notion, "who could I have POSSIBLY been thinking of when I heard that song??"
It got me thinking about all of the pop ballads for the last 15 years that I've been listening to and relating to. I started wondering whether I ever had really related to the topics in the songs, or if I just wanted to relate to the songs. Having never been in love, do I really know all of the nuances of being in love? Obviously I can relate to unrequited love, who can't? It's the most permanent of all loves. We all want what we can't have so unrequited love is somewhere where we can find ourselves for an extended period of time. I think the term, "unrequited love" however, implies that it is love. How can it be love if you have no reciprocation. Doesn't that make you just in love with the idea of having a relationship with that person? We're brought up to think that in order to be truly happy we must find the person who completes us. If for some reason we don't find them or BONUS we find them, but they don't want us, what then? It's my newest conclusion that we just fall into the vast pool of prime targets for the ever constant, ever present, pop ballad.
The other day I was walking home carrying groceries while listening to my ipod. Given the bags in my arms I couldn't change the song when "Have you Ever" by Brandi(circa 1997) came on. I was struck by the words and nostalgically was immediately brought back to high school years. I remember hearing that same song when I was 15 and thinking I knew exactly what Brandi was preaching about. As a 25 year old woman who's never been in love, I was struck with the sudden notion, "who could I have POSSIBLY been thinking of when I heard that song??"
It got me thinking about all of the pop ballads for the last 15 years that I've been listening to and relating to. I started wondering whether I ever had really related to the topics in the songs, or if I just wanted to relate to the songs. Having never been in love, do I really know all of the nuances of being in love? Obviously I can relate to unrequited love, who can't? It's the most permanent of all loves. We all want what we can't have so unrequited love is somewhere where we can find ourselves for an extended period of time. I think the term, "unrequited love" however, implies that it is love. How can it be love if you have no reciprocation. Doesn't that make you just in love with the idea of having a relationship with that person? We're brought up to think that in order to be truly happy we must find the person who completes us. If for some reason we don't find them or BONUS we find them, but they don't want us, what then? It's my newest conclusion that we just fall into the vast pool of prime targets for the ever constant, ever present, pop ballad.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Another Time
How can someone be homesick for a home that no longer exists? Do you ever find yourself right smack in the middle of a life that feels all right and yet all wrong at the same time? Feel totally at peace and at home and yet homesick all at once?
On this brisk Sunday I find myself yearning for different stages of my life that I couldn't go back to even if I wanted to. As the weather changes seasons, I always find myself having this involuntary visceral experience where memories flood into my existence. Most times they are the good ones that puff me up with hope for the future. There is something about the change of seasons that always makes me think back on the expectations I have had for each new season. When I think back to HOW optimistic I used to be I find myself wishing I could go back. The strange thing is, I feel like in each of THOSE stages I've always yearned for a time before, a simpler time. Was there ever, really, a simpler time? When we were children even if we were fighting over a toy or doing chores, those were the most intense feelings our little bodies had ever experienced. In middle and high school, those fights and the feelings of angst felt as though they were going to make my body burst. In college when I struggled to make my wholesome self fit in with my new adventurous self, it felt I would never find the perfect combination of my selves.
NOW that I'm finally feeling established within my self, I wish I had the opportunities to go back to those points in my life. To experience life on the play ground, feeling sure of myself and my decisions (especially in wardrobe). To go back to middle/high school knowing that I didn't need to worry about the opinions of certain people because they were never going to play a role in my real life, or that their only role was to teach me I didn't need to care about them. To go through college knowing that people will judge your decisions all through life and the sooner you accept that and don't try to change their minds, the happier and more settled you will feel. In the post college, real world I'm wishing there was a way the me in ten years could teach me how to not feel intimidated. I have all parts of my "self" feeling really solid and yet trying to figure out where I fit in my community is where I'm struggling. How do I learn to not feel like I'm losing this "race" against everyone in their twenties. Who can be happiest first? Who will find the best job? Who will have a dispensable income?
It's funny because I think even if I had those things I wouldn't feel complete without a sense of self and my love for self reflection. At the end of the day my sense of self hasn't produced me a pay check. It's true they say, money isn't everything but it sure would help wouldn't it?
On this brisk Sunday I find myself yearning for different stages of my life that I couldn't go back to even if I wanted to. As the weather changes seasons, I always find myself having this involuntary visceral experience where memories flood into my existence. Most times they are the good ones that puff me up with hope for the future. There is something about the change of seasons that always makes me think back on the expectations I have had for each new season. When I think back to HOW optimistic I used to be I find myself wishing I could go back. The strange thing is, I feel like in each of THOSE stages I've always yearned for a time before, a simpler time. Was there ever, really, a simpler time? When we were children even if we were fighting over a toy or doing chores, those were the most intense feelings our little bodies had ever experienced. In middle and high school, those fights and the feelings of angst felt as though they were going to make my body burst. In college when I struggled to make my wholesome self fit in with my new adventurous self, it felt I would never find the perfect combination of my selves.
NOW that I'm finally feeling established within my self, I wish I had the opportunities to go back to those points in my life. To experience life on the play ground, feeling sure of myself and my decisions (especially in wardrobe). To go back to middle/high school knowing that I didn't need to worry about the opinions of certain people because they were never going to play a role in my real life, or that their only role was to teach me I didn't need to care about them. To go through college knowing that people will judge your decisions all through life and the sooner you accept that and don't try to change their minds, the happier and more settled you will feel. In the post college, real world I'm wishing there was a way the me in ten years could teach me how to not feel intimidated. I have all parts of my "self" feeling really solid and yet trying to figure out where I fit in my community is where I'm struggling. How do I learn to not feel like I'm losing this "race" against everyone in their twenties. Who can be happiest first? Who will find the best job? Who will have a dispensable income?
It's funny because I think even if I had those things I wouldn't feel complete without a sense of self and my love for self reflection. At the end of the day my sense of self hasn't produced me a pay check. It's true they say, money isn't everything but it sure would help wouldn't it?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Figuring it out
What makes someone your perfect partner?
Is it the endless list of qualifications you can check off the list? Is it the fact that they make you laugh? How about the ability to provide for you? The simple ability to handle them in large doses, day in and day out? What constitutes a certain amount of resilience and fight for a relationship and what constitutes turning a blind eye to make something "fit" your life? When is it your "life" that doesn't fit and when is it you who refuse to adapt?
With all the self help books that exist out there why isn't there one that has ever come out that simply explains life? They say companionship and love at the end of the day are what all people are looking for. To find a certain niche that they can identify in someone else, since no physical form continuously exists in this life to hold us. And yet day in and out people will come up with any number of reasons to over analyze all phases of life. If someone has found someone they could be with forever, we assume they are settling. If someone doesn't like another, we assume they're not giving them a good enough chance. If someone wants to be alone, we think they're hiding something that they REALLY want. If someone wants to have casual sex, we assume they're trying to fill a void. The proverbial We has a whole list of ways of explaining away other's seeming happiness but no ways of simply accepting that others could have found someone or something to keep them going, at least for now. We also haven't found a way of accepting that people can find something for the now which is just as common as finding something to complete you forever.
Being alone is vastly unaccepted in this society. As an individual if you are alone, you can expect to feel it from all sides. You stop being able to relate to your friends who are in relationships and start being forced to only relate to your single friends. It's as though there was one definitive stage of singleness: single and looking for a new boy/girl toy. What about those of us who are single, fairly established in our lives and simply looking to get to know someone on a path to possible relationships.
After graduation from college is there a stage between the booty call and the path to marriage? Is there a way to maintain balance between the two, or is that simply not an option? As I look around at my friends in various stages, it seems that if you aren't on one track or the other, no one relates to you. You thus segregate yourself to an island of confusion, with no one there to pull you off (though they will all stand admirably at a distance to watch you attempt to accomplish the impossible feat.)
This month I met someone who had most of the qualities I always thought I was looking for. He was cute and nice. Cared about me and keeping me happy. Called when I wanted him to and sometimes when I wasn't even thinking about him. Without being a pansy he basically spent our time together being all about "me". And yet, something came up short. I wasn't feeling the full on connection. When we spoke about this he said he doesn't always do these exceptionally nice things(which goes against my theory that this was just "him" and therefore not special to our situation). He said it was me who brought these things out in him. Could it be that there is a one sided connection? I wouldn't classify this as unrequited love because he didn't seem all that broken up when I called to, in fact, break up. Was he just able to accept less than perfection in a connection or am I over choosy in deciding what will keep me happy long term? Will we ever know the answers? Do we finally settle down with someone as a result of being worn against our resistances or will we really find that magical person to complete us? Is there a way to maintain our image of picture perfect romance and love? Even when approached with someone who wanted to give those things to me, I didn't want them because he wasn't the right man. Is this normal or the ultimate shooting of myself in the foot? One day these things will all make sense but until then I guess I'm left making reckless decisions with the assumption that they are in fact serving me.
Is it the endless list of qualifications you can check off the list? Is it the fact that they make you laugh? How about the ability to provide for you? The simple ability to handle them in large doses, day in and day out? What constitutes a certain amount of resilience and fight for a relationship and what constitutes turning a blind eye to make something "fit" your life? When is it your "life" that doesn't fit and when is it you who refuse to adapt?
With all the self help books that exist out there why isn't there one that has ever come out that simply explains life? They say companionship and love at the end of the day are what all people are looking for. To find a certain niche that they can identify in someone else, since no physical form continuously exists in this life to hold us. And yet day in and out people will come up with any number of reasons to over analyze all phases of life. If someone has found someone they could be with forever, we assume they are settling. If someone doesn't like another, we assume they're not giving them a good enough chance. If someone wants to be alone, we think they're hiding something that they REALLY want. If someone wants to have casual sex, we assume they're trying to fill a void. The proverbial We has a whole list of ways of explaining away other's seeming happiness but no ways of simply accepting that others could have found someone or something to keep them going, at least for now. We also haven't found a way of accepting that people can find something for the now which is just as common as finding something to complete you forever.
Being alone is vastly unaccepted in this society. As an individual if you are alone, you can expect to feel it from all sides. You stop being able to relate to your friends who are in relationships and start being forced to only relate to your single friends. It's as though there was one definitive stage of singleness: single and looking for a new boy/girl toy. What about those of us who are single, fairly established in our lives and simply looking to get to know someone on a path to possible relationships.
After graduation from college is there a stage between the booty call and the path to marriage? Is there a way to maintain balance between the two, or is that simply not an option? As I look around at my friends in various stages, it seems that if you aren't on one track or the other, no one relates to you. You thus segregate yourself to an island of confusion, with no one there to pull you off (though they will all stand admirably at a distance to watch you attempt to accomplish the impossible feat.)
This month I met someone who had most of the qualities I always thought I was looking for. He was cute and nice. Cared about me and keeping me happy. Called when I wanted him to and sometimes when I wasn't even thinking about him. Without being a pansy he basically spent our time together being all about "me". And yet, something came up short. I wasn't feeling the full on connection. When we spoke about this he said he doesn't always do these exceptionally nice things(which goes against my theory that this was just "him" and therefore not special to our situation). He said it was me who brought these things out in him. Could it be that there is a one sided connection? I wouldn't classify this as unrequited love because he didn't seem all that broken up when I called to, in fact, break up. Was he just able to accept less than perfection in a connection or am I over choosy in deciding what will keep me happy long term? Will we ever know the answers? Do we finally settle down with someone as a result of being worn against our resistances or will we really find that magical person to complete us? Is there a way to maintain our image of picture perfect romance and love? Even when approached with someone who wanted to give those things to me, I didn't want them because he wasn't the right man. Is this normal or the ultimate shooting of myself in the foot? One day these things will all make sense but until then I guess I'm left making reckless decisions with the assumption that they are in fact serving me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)